Looks like I’m at it again…

It’s amazing what a couple of good days can do for you.

Let me start off by saying that I have terrible luck. I’ve never been the kind of guy to win a scratch and win ticket. I’m more the kind of guy who would get a paper cut on a scratch and win ticket.
When your past reeks of failed attempts, and new decisions are often rewarded with a windfall of punishment, it’s easy to not want to take chances.
Like a dog who gets smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper whenever it barks, pretty soon you learn that with barking comes pain, and you stop. Except in this case I was the dog, and the barking was trying to have a life of creativity.
But that’s what life can become when you are a member of the Misfortune 500© .
Now I know I’m not alone in this department. Heck, some have it even worse than I do, and I only offer my empathy.
But when the past 365 days of a mans life is a cache of his own bad luck, he tends to wonder, was it bad luck or bad choices.
The answer of course is not that simple. It’s always a combination of both. Sometimes no matter how much you plan and how much you sacrifice, you may not achieve your goals. What do you say to a truth such as this? Do you go from believing dreams can come true to believing that dreams cannot come true?
But of course, it is not that simple either.
I’m reminded of a tee shirt I once saw in my online travels.
It depicts an astronaut in space with the caption “Not all dreams can come true”.
I find that to be rather poignant.
After a relative year wrought with happenstance and consequence, in the form of car accidents, unemployment, medical problems, career changes, depression, superficial friendships, being taken advantage of, and a complete overhaul to my way of life and living, it’s easy to just give up, and I did.
But even then I knew such a thing was not meant to last.
Along the way I was sporadically saved by the odd individual, the odd conversation, slightly changing my gears and oiling them up so that one day I may have a machine fit for use. It might not even be a machine I recognize or known how to use, but I’ve built it nonetheless and I can either use it or let it rust away.
Seeing as how my good luck is not nearly as abundant as my bad luck, whenever I was blessed with kind words or opportunity, I embraced it.

I had to give up a lot of what I loved this year, but in strange, unfamiliar ways, I found a lot of new things to love, or new ways to love some old things.

I am grateful for certain things in my life. I am grateful for the friends that have always been there, like Bruce and Brendan. I am thankful for new friends, like Red and Nate, who decided that even though it may be inconvenient, they would still be there for me. I’m thankful for Dustin for not letting my reclusive cynical demeanor prevent him from getting to know me. I’m thankful for my niece, for bringing a smile to my face. I’m thankful for being able to be closer to my sister this year, us both finally being at a place where we could relate. I’m thankful for my parents who have been uncharacteristically non meddlesome and have helped me so much. I’m thankful for that day Nate brought me to Second Storey Theatre, opening up my world to some amazing people. I would have honestly been completely lost this year without that theatre to go to. It has introduced me to some really great people. I’d describe them as the opposite of emotionally draining. All of Table23, all of the Pielaks, and of course Jef and Graham specifically who have been so great to me. Even everyone who volunteers, performs, or steps foot into that theatre that I have met has been a blessing.
And as for everyone else who has done everything in their power to make my life as difficult as possible, I can only hope that you don’t have to go through what I did to realize it. Take that ICBC.

I honestly don’t know what the future holds for me, or for any of us. If past predicts the future and we ignore Hume, then most likely I will get hit by a series of cars until I finally give in and settle for a desk job somewhere, stifled in creativity. But if the world allows me to breathe for a moment, then maybe it is still possible to live a life of some passion, to be an artist, making creating your day’s work.

I now prepare for the future.

Really take a second and think about what that means.

Preparing for the future. Building your life, so that if maybe the stars do align one day and the cosmic joke ceases to make you its punchline, you will be ready when someone needs your creative spark, and your life’s work.

Like I said, its amazing what a couple of good days can do for you. It’s also a weird feeling sensing that the days to come are also showing high levels of good with a chance of awesome.
I think the difference now is I expect the bad to eventually come with it, and I’m okay with it.

Still it would be nice if it gave me a break for the next little while…

In summary, I am the kind of person who shows his emotions. I don’t hide them from anyone; I don’t think its healthy. I also don’t complain every two seconds about my problems because no one wants to hear that.
But I wrote this simply because I had to, and it had to be said. For my sake at least, but maybe you got something out of it.
Yes you!
Do people even still read this thing?
Also to thank some of the people in my life that have made this trying chapter of my life even remotely livable. You have been tagged.

I raise these words to you!


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